My Daughter, Myself Reviews

‘Every now and again a book comes along that leaves me breathless.  Connie Easterbrook’s book on motherhood, love, loss and life, is one such book.  At times it literally, not just metaphorically, took my very breath away.

When Connie asked me to write an introduction to her book, I initially felt inadequate to the task.  But anything I can do to help get this book on bookshelves I must do because it is a book that has needed to be written and read.  It will take your breath away.

It has needed to be written because it answers unanswerable questions.

• How can you be the mother you want to be when you didn’t get the mothering you wanted?
• How can you unconditionally love a child who frustrates the living daylights out of you?
• How do you ever resolve a grief that comes on top of other unresolved losses?
• How do you ever come to terms with the reality of the death of a child?
• How do you ever forgive yourself for arguing with your child on the day before they died?

With brutal honesty and raw emotion, Connie covers such unanswerable questions and guides us, her grateful readers, forward, by sharing the way she navigated through the quagmire herself.

This is not an easy journey.  Mixed in with seemingly insurmountable grief, is a healthy, or rather unhealthy, dose of guilt; the complication of mental illness; and the added burden of the impossibility of perfectionism.  But the story doesn’t stay or end here.

Connie shows that it is still possible to lead a meaningful life filled with joy and contentment alongside the companion of crushing and debilitating grief.

Not easy.  But possible.

If you have your own unanswerable questions, you may well find your answers here.  Be ready to be left breathless.’

‘Connie took me on a journey that was not only deeply moving but also inspiring and hopeful. At times I felt as if she was writing directly to me! She shares her story of loss, anguish, pain and self- discovery in a way that is remarkably brave, honest and raw.

Throughout the book there are gems of wisdom and advice based on her personal experience as a grieving mother and as a wise and insightful therapist’

‘Simply stated, this is an extraordinary book. In my over 25 years of working in the field of grief and bereavement, I have not come across a book that tells the story of love, loss and how we bear the unbearable, with such exquisite honesty, transparency and nuance. The process of grieving can feel wild, chaotic and unpredictable. Connie Easterbrook takes our hand and walks us through her complex story of loving, losing and reconstructing a world of meaning following not only the death of her beloved daughter Simone but of other important people, places and possessions.

For most people, love is the most profound source of pleasure in our lives, while the loss of those we love is the most profound source of pain. Love and loss are two sides of the same coin. We cannot have one without risking the other.

These losses force us to relearn the world and also to relearn ourselves. Who am I now, in the wake of this seismic loss? Connie explores these questions as she explores her identity as a mother, as a community member and in her workplace. Importantly we also, hear the voices of her children and those who knew Simone, which underlines how we grieve in social contexts of our family, friends, workplace and faith community. These settings can enable or constrain our grief. In addition, how we talk to ourselves about our loss and the compassion we extend to ourselves can help or hinder us as we integrate the lessons of loss.

Grief is idiosyncratic and complex and, although not a toolkit for managing grief, Loss, Love and Survival, contains much wisdom. It examines the importance of rituals, the management of anniversaries, how people engage with loss in a myriad of ways and how other issues such as complex emotions and mental health can complicate our journey through loss. Importantly, Connie explores how spirituality and being part of a faith community can provide a scaffold of meaning and a community of care and support.

Long-held myths about the grief experience, such as there being a predictable emotional trajectory leading from distress to ‘recovery’ or that we need to say goodbye to those we love and to ‘move on’, continue to be held by western culture. We, in fact, grow around our loss; it never leaves us and whereas death might end a life, it does not end a relationship. Our love is not tied to time or geography.

I hope that this book will be read widely – by those seeking a window into the intense experience of parental loss as well as those in the helping professions who want to have a deeper insight into the world of grieving people.

This insightful book reminds us that for most of us, the fact that one day we shall lose the ones we love, and they us, draws us close to them, but brings to awareness our collective mortality.’

‘Easterbrook explores, with rare sensitivity and insight, grief, loss, and motherhood in this memoir crafted both to capture the “inner light” of her late daughter, Simone, and to share with readers what she’s learned about living on after bereavement. With a loving pen, Easterbrook offers an intimate portrait of daughter Simone, first exploring her “passionate, vibrant” eldest daughter with reflections on her personality, quirks, and virtues, but also delving into the challenges of parenting a child with ADHD, especially in a world that abhors “difference.” The insight into family dynamics connects readers to Easterbrook and her daughter, especially as Easterbrook acknowledges that “anxiety about Simone was my constant companion throughout her life.”

Simone died in a car accident at 21, a wrenching event that came at a fraught time for mother and daughter both. Easterbrook narrates the tensions in their relationships before the accident and the devastating aftermath with clear eyes, striking detail, and lots of heart, laying bare feelings of guilt, anger, shame—and “motherguilt.” Throughout, as she recounts navigating and managing incalculable loss, she invites readers to learn from what she’s faced, such as the hard-won comforts and insights she discovered in faith, support groups, and her reading. She explores her own past and parentage, and examines a violent relationship with a boy from her own teen years, noting the “footprint” trauma leaves on the soul—and taking relief that her own daughter avoided “similar bad choices.”

A delight for readers are the images of Simone’s artwork, and photographs of the family. Elsewhere, Easterbrook digs deeply into other losses, exploring how grief is always keyed to the specifics of individuals and their relationships, and her own tendency to push grief away. She writes with disarming openness about depression and anger, doubt and confusion, mining from her own experience and studies a wealth of practical advice (seek support, practice self-compassion) for readers experiencing their own journeys of loss.’

Takeaway: This powerful memoir offers practical advice and insight for parents facing grief.

Great for fans of: September Vaudrey’s Colors of Goodbye, Megan Devine’s It’s OK that You’re Not OK.

Production grades
Cover: A
Design and typography: A
Illustrations: A
Editing: A
Marketing copy: A

‘Connie has bravely written with sensitivity, honesty and great personal insight about her journey of healing from traumatic grief. Through her challenges of parenting a child with learning difficulties, we also share Connie’s journey of discovering how parents can finds ways to embrace the creative and loving qualities of their own children. She brings together current research into mental health and neurodiversity, whilst reminding us all to truly value the time we have with our loved ones.  Her healing journey has been shared with the reader, producing one of the most powerful pieces of writing I have read on these topics.’

‘It fills me with great pride to be part of a movement where addressing our experiences of grief and loss is accepted as the new normal.

Connie and her heartwarming story My Daughter, Myself is a must read and a major contributing factor to such a powerful and healing movement. This beautiful book provides peace and connection to those suffering unimaginable pain.’

‘Connie’s book will inspire you as she tells her ‘untold story’, and she will encourage all readers in her real, raw and passionate way, that despite even the most difficult losses in life, you can grow and heal.  I met Connie as one of my Lifeline Telephone Counsellor students many years ago, before her life tragedies unfolded. I walked by her side throughout her loss journey, often feeling helpless. Many years later and after very hard work, Connie has transformed her suffering into meaningful growth. She has become my teacher in grief and trauma as a friend and as a professional. She is my role model for resilience and hope. May she inspire you too.’

‘With the insight of a therapist attuned to her own acute struggle with her daughter’s death, Connie explores how the ways that we respond to grief is guided by our lived experience and prior losses – weaving a thread through the lives that touch and encompass our hearts. A meditative, raw and much-needed book.’

‘The greatest emotions are soulful and indescribable. In My Daughter, Myself, Connie Easterbrook tells grief like it is, from the heart. She gives us a deep and moving insight into the powerful inner life of the bereaved, and the soul’s journey through loss. Connie weaves a tapestry that envelops the reader, and brings us an acute observation of how family relationships and the grief journey play out amidst the generational trauma of our family of origin.

She also gives us a window into what she describes as “the inner light” of those we have loved and lost – the light we do not always see in its totality when they are alive, “the transcendent power of the invisible string”.’

‘This book was riveting for me, heartbreaking but also full of hope and wisdom. It is well written and has a helpful weaving of personal story, counselling theory and faith. Connie opens the door into her life and her vulnerability I believe will help many people as it did me. In a creative way she gives us a picture of her sometimes strained relationship with her daughter Simone, who died in a car accident when she was 21 years. Rather than a chronological story, Connie digs deeper and goes back in time to explore her own relationship with her mother and how that affected her relationship with Simone. By the time we get to the horrific accident we have got to know Connie and her family well and grieve along with her in the aftermath. She goes back again in time to other major losses in her life of her brother and mother. Connie also addresses many issues that intersect with her own story such as grief, domestic violence, suicide, ADHD, Autism, Depression, Anxiety and Anger and her journey of healing in the midst of them. These issues are woven into the story, but in Chapter 17 Connie spends time addressing most of these with a more theoretical basis and recommended resources for further help and healing. (Also there are more resources in the Appendix). Each section could be quite helpful if you were facing one in particular and can be used as a reference. Otherwise you can skip parts that may not be relevant to get on with the story for in chapter 18 we are back with Connie again as she finally draws the threads of her tale together with a final farewell to Simone.’